10 Things I've Wanted to Tell You

Hello Internet! It’s been a while. Over 10 years in fact, since I’ve regularly written to you. Since then, I have some things I’ve wanted to tell you.

Here’s a quick list to catch you up:

1. A time to heal - I’ve spent the majority of this time healing myself. I used to look outside myself for things that I needed and life became so much easier when I realized that I needed to show up for myself and provide for me. It turns out I had become a master at abandoning myself. It was a mess and getting to the realization that it was me that was going to have to show up for me, was not easy. Life did get easier after I arrived here though. The experience made me realize that it’s okay to take care of myself before taking care of others which lead to me to say no to things I didn’t want to do any more and pursue things that I really wanted to - like writing again.
2. Yes, I still wear a mask - Here’s the thing. I grew up watching the AIDS epidemic happen before my eyes and there’s something so similar about COVID times to me, that I can’t move past it. I really thought we would take what we learned, and apply it to this instance, but I was wrong. So since our government and medical systems have failed to protect the most vulnerable, I do my part by wearing a mask, having air filters at home, and testing often. It really isn’t that much to do, but it has separated me from some social circles. Because of this, it has helped me start to break free from people pleasing because I’ve had to be okay with not being part certain groups anymore. So I guess one good thing that’s come out of this is that I’ve learned that it’s more important to me to show up living my values instead of shapeshifting to fit the norm. If that means I wear a mask to protect myself and others, then that’s what it means.
3. I’m privileged - Between BLM, Palestine, Congo, and countless other movements/moments/genocides I’ve watched through my phone; I’ve really had to examine how privileged I am and decide what to do about it. I’m not done with this journey at all and probably never will be. Each day, I’m given another opportunity to learn more. It’s also a lens to which I bring to all of my work. I’m always on the look out to see who has the privilege in this situation and what they are doing with it. I still have a lot to learn.
4. More than one thing can be true at the same time - If nothing else these past few years I’ve learned that the world can be falling apart AND I can be growing. The power of “and” really has become an important part of my outlook on life. I used to think that there was only one truth. In college I studied history, so I know there are multiple viewpoints to every story, but I never really applied that to my own life. Now that I’ve started to do that I have more space for myself to learn and grow. When I lose this perspective I shame myself into doing things that don’t align with who I am. This has also shows up when I consume media. Because there is so much news coming at us so fast, it can be hard to take the time to ask what else is true in this situation. I’ve found that doing so has helped me better understand the world and see it for how it really is.
5. TikTok is great - I resisted joining TikTok for a very long time but I finally relented in 2020 and it has been one of the best things for me. I know that there’s a lot to be said about screen time and disassociating, but without TikTok I wouldn’t have a window to what the rest of the world is up to. I wouldn’t have learned so much about ADHD and autism. Learning about those things has helped me better understand myself and others. I wouldn’t have seen how creative people are. I was enthralled by Ratatouille: A TikTok musical. Like how cool was that? I’ve heard from more voices that are not my own and broadened my perspectives on many things. I’ve learned about parts of my culture didn’t have access to. It can be a bit dystopian to think that all of this is coming through a screen and I’ll never really know these people and at the same time, if this is what I have access to, I’m glad I have the ability to use it for this.
6. Journaling is therapy - In 2023 I started creative journaling again. I’m talking fountain pens, quality paper, markers, water colors, stickers, stamps - the whole nine yards. While this has had a negative effect on my bank account, it has really allowed me to connect with my creativity again. I love writing out the little things that happen during the day or taking a whole page to rant about what’s going on. I think of my journal as kind of a mirror back to me. I’m able to pick up patterns about myself and it has helped me understand more of who I am.
7. The gift of turning 40 truly is not caring what other people think - this is something that has snuck into my life in the past few years and I’m so happy about it. For years I people pleased my way around the world and all it did was provide me with empty relationships. This really has nothing to do with the other people, instead it has 100% to do with the fact that I didn’t show up as myself in my relationships. Now it’s super scary reconnecting with people from my past because I’m not sure how they will react to this “new” version of me. I had some friends leave while I was learning to show up more for myself and that was a really painful experience. As I get more and more comfortable showing up for myself it’s been way easier to drop the importance of what other people think about me. I’m able to be me because I know I have my own back. I know that sounds like super hyper-independence, and it might be, but if it helps me be more me, I’ll take it.
8. Alcohol and Caffeine are out, Seltzer is in - I stopped drinking alcohol and caffeine a few years ago because it just didn’t make me feel good. I’ll have a glass of wine on holidays or a speciality coffee every now and then, but these two things are routinely out of my grocery haul. I found that I’m much more grounded when I don’t have these substances and my wallet is also happy. It has been difficult to re-enter socialization because these are two things that people usually socialize around; however, I’m finding that in 2024 at least there are more options than there ever were and that makes me happy.
9. I podcast now - I podcasted regularly for a while. It was such a fun opportunity to podcast about TV with my friends. I learned a lot about myself and what I’m capable of. I learned how to manage, write, record, and edit podcasts. I learned how to collaborate with others on projects. I learned that I liked doing it. Stay tuned for updates on this if you’re interested. I’m working on some new things.
10. This is the most excited about my life I’ve been in a long time - Is that because Pluto is leaving Capricorn this year? Could be. It could also be all the work I’ve done on myself. If I had to bet, I bet it’s probably both. I finally feel like I’m at a place where I understand who I am and what I need and am strong enough to provide those things for myself (at least that’s how I feel right now). When I was little I really thought that I would have a much different life than the one I have now. For a long time I grieved that fact, but now it’s fuels me to write my own story instead of the one that was put out in front me when I was a child.

Ya, so that’s what I’ve been up to. So what’s next? Well, we’re going to figure that out together. I’m going to use this space to write about topics I enjoy and see what comes of it. You can expect commentary on TV, trauma, observations on the world, etc. I honestly don’t know where this going to go, but I’m excited to find out.