I Almost Married a Jimmy

When Love is Blind first came out I thought it was such a good concept for a show. I was like, this is how I would like to meet someone. I spend so much time thinking about my personal appearance and how I’m being perceived when I’m meeting new people that I sometimes am portraying a different version of myself. Meeting someone behind a wall and focusing on values and compatibility was so appealing to me. Also Lauren and Cameron really sold it that first season.

As the years have gone on, I still watch, but my belief in the concept has tarnished after learning about the issues with production and such. I mean, I’m not surprised, but the naive romantic in me is disappointed. As always, I blame capitalism, but that’s a story for a different day.

What I found different about this season of Love is Blind is just how much I could relate to the people on it. The things these couples went through were more in line with what I’ve experienced in my very limited experience with dating.

I ignored red flags like AD. I was insecure like Chelsea. I almost married a Jimmy.

I never really dated in high school or college. It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I was in my first serious relationship. Being the oldest daughter and first grandchild on both sides of my family I felt a lot of pressure to follow the route laid out for me in The Game of Life - school > job > marriage > kids. My self esteem and self worth were pretty non existent, so when I started dating I really latched on to whatever relationship was available to me. I shape-shifted and abandoned myself at every turn just stay in it. After all, I can’t get married if I’m not in a relationship.

When I was in my late twenties, I met someone through mutual friends and we hit it off. For the first time, I didn’t have to do so much shifting. I could be myself - or at least a version of myself that was closer to what I thought was my true self. Once we defined our relationship, my binders went up and I was determined to make it to the end.

“She was the only single girl at the wedding.” (I convinced myself this answer to how’d you two meet was romantic in someway.)

“I’m gaslighting you!” (yes, he actually said this and I ignored it.)

“Yes, I know you have a concussion from slipping in the shower, but I am still having friends over for game night.” (It’s his house too.)

“She’s my boss, I have to spend time with her!” (I don’t want him to lose his job.)

“Yes, I know you were in the hospital, but my boss who you don’t like really needs to use the bathroom, what I am going to do say no you can’t come in?!?!” (I can’t be the reason he loses his job.)

“She just wants to be your friend.” (I don’t have many friends. I guess this is okay.)

If you’re wondering all these red flags could have been ignored, let me tell you. Each red flag was surrounded by so many “I love you”s that my deserpately seeking soul couldn’t hear anything else. I was focused on getting engaged, because getting engaged meant I’d get married. Even though I was stressed; even though my body was malfunctioning trying to get my attention; everything would be better after I got a ring.

The conversation between Jimmy and Chelsea at the amusement park on this season of Love is Blind brought me right back to our breakup.

We were going through a rough patch. I was cooking us dinner. He came home from work. He asked me how he thought things were going and if I still thought we were end game. I explained that ya, we’re going through something and I’m committed to getting through it because I believed it would make us stronger. I wanted a relationship that could get through things. Right after that he told me he can’t do this anymore. He cried and stormed out like it was all my fault.

I’m not here to paint him as a villain. My ignoring of all of this played into the end of our relationship just as much as what was being said to me. I wasn’t honest with myself, so I couldn’t be honest with him.

What I am here to do is highlight the fact that the myth of marriage has been sold so hard to so many of us, that we will do whatever we need to to achieve this milestone. This was my experience without the lure of money and fame. I can’t imagine what I would have done if those were even 1% of the equation for me. While watching this season, I kept the me from 10 years ago close by and pointed out all of the red flags I saw so she knew I learned enough to help keep her safe.

P.S.

None of this is the intended goal of Love is Blind. The goal of Love is Blind is to make money. However, one thing I know about the subconscious is it doesn’t know what’s real and what’s not. So to it, zombies are real and so are superheroes. That’s why I will take any and every opportunity I can to grow from the content that’s put in front of me.