TV - What’s in it for me?

I spend a lot of time in front of the television screen. It’s on in the background most days. It keeps me company. Some people may find this sad, but honestly, I don’t know what my life would be like without television.

I’ve talked about this before; I watch TV because it allows me to connect with others. There’s always something to talk about with people if you watch TV. There’s a show, character, moment, to reference. As someone who isn’t the biggest fan of small talk, TV is a much better conversation starter than the weather, in my opinion.

That’s not the only reason for me though.

itsmeAs much as I hate to admit it, I’m not much of a reader. When I do read, I read a lot of non-fiction books, not a lot of fiction. Information was always more interesting for me to sit with than stories. People always talk about the worlds they get lost in in books, but not me. When I read, it’s me, the page, and the thoughts in my head.

See, I have something called aphantasia.

This means I don’t see anything within my mind’s eye. You might have seen or heard this talked a lot about on the internet recently. There’s usually a photo of a head with an apple inside of it. I am a number 5 on that scale. I can’t see anything “behind my eyes”. It’s always just dark when I close them.

My world turned upside down when I learned this a year ago and from time to time it still boggles my mind how people are able to see things in their mind’s eye. I honestly thought this was something I was working towards, like nirvana. I thought oh, I must meditate harder because I’m just not having the same mystical and magical experiences as everyone else. Turns out, my brain is just different.

Because of my aphantasia, books don’t come alive for me. Stories are felt and experienced more than seen. So the magical portal known as a television is the only way I can really see stories come to life. Television is the eye of my imagination. Or at least it was a the main eye for my imagination before social media came along.

This could totally just be rationalizing here, but I think not being able to visualize has something to do with why I am always watching TV. Not only does it allow me to connect with others, it opens my mind to new worlds, new people, new ways of life. Seeing something on a screen really is the only way for me to “imagine” how things look.

When it comes down to it, screens are an accommodation for me to fully “experience” imagination. When I read, I’m not seeing things, but I am feeling things. I am still trying to figure out if I’m hearing a voice when I’m reading or just thinking. Anyway, it’s not a completely devoid situation. It’s just different.

And that’s okay. It’s okay to be different. There’s a liberation in knowing I’m different because I spent so much time shaming myself for having so much screen time. However, when it’s the only way I can really connect with stories I realize, I need screens to do that.

P.S.

• For more information about aphantasisa, visit the Aphantasia Network.
• Thanks to my friends and family for listening to me try and explain this when I first learned about it. It seriously blew my mind.
• If you also have aphantasia, I’d love to hear from you!