JJ Abrams Lied to Me (okay, maybe not, but still)

I don’t know if I can ever forgive JJ Abrams for romanticizing college the way he did with late 90s/early 2000s, coming of age college tale of Felicity Porter and her adventures in New York City.

I was a junior in high school. Everything in front of me had to do with college. ACTs. SATs. College Tours. Extra curricular activities. Oh ya, grades!

Everything was tied to college.

I was so excited for this new chapter in my life. My high school years weren’t “typical” so the allure of starting over was very strong for me. I was obsessed with learning everything I could about the college experience.

When Felicity premiered I was so excited. Having been a Mickey Mouse Club person (or MMC as the cool kids used to say) seeing Keri Russell get her own show was thrilling. I mean, Brittney, JC, and Justin were already on the rise, why not Keri?! Not only was Keri Russell going to be on tv again she was going to be in a show about college. Perfect timing!

When the show premiered I couldn’t watch with my eyes any more wide open. Teenage me thought Felicity was so brave. While she still had the ambition to become a doctor, she couldn’t deny her heart and had to follow the man of her dreams, Ben, to New York City. This logic made total sense to teenage me. It was like a win/win for her. Dreams AND love, everything a teenage girl wants!

Once she got to NYC she had the world largest dorm room, with a cute RA and was in one of the biggest cities in the world. She kept up with her BFF from home, Sally using the highest form technology at the time - audio cassettes.

I just wanted to jump through the TV and live this life!

I had a lot of trouble fitting in, in high school. I had a few friends, but I was that person that didn’t have a clique, but knew people in all the cliques. Most of my socialization came through band. I was so grateful for that one thing that tied us all together otherwise I would have been lost.

High School Marissa was really depressed and she didn’t know that’s what was going on. I knew that something was “wrong” with me and that I needed to fix it. I couldn’t name it, but I knew when it was fixed everything would be better.

School work wasn’t challenging to me so I would slack off to make it more challenging. There was nothing like the thrill of a deadline (there still isn’t if I’m honest). Essays were never written ahead of time, I was always writing the day before they were due. Projects were always done last minute. And I managed to get good grades, so I saw no reason to change my system.

My mind was full of things that I could change about myself to help myself feel safe within the social landscape of school. I always thinking if I got these shoes, or liked these things, or did this thing, maybe then I’d have friends I felt safe being the real me around.

Outside of band, the knowledge that I would be escaping all of this by going to college was the thing that kept me afloat. I would be counting down the time that I didn’t have to feel like I didn’t belong anymore. A fresh start was right around the corner. All I had to do was keep going.

Graduation happened and I couldn’t get to college fast enough. I remember going to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to get the list of things to bring to college and starting to collect items throughout the summer. I kept up with my band friends and made the most of the summer, but I couldn’t wait for August to start so I could have my Felicity moment.

Well, here’s the thing - it never came. First of all, I had somehow convinced myself that central Illinois and New York City were the same and that even though my dorm room was small, I could make it feel huge like Felicity’s. Second of all, even though I packed the car to the brim, depression still found room to be a stowaway and come with me.

I was lost when I got to college. I was still looking for a sense of belonging. At the same time I was surrounded by things I didn’t want to do. I didn’t want to drink, parties were too loud, I felt overwhelmed trying to make new friends. I tried to find comfort in band, but the band was too large and the camaraderie just wasn’t the same.

There was only one explanation - JJ lied.

Ok, so maybe not. I just didn’t know that I wasn’t Felicity.

I did not come from a rich white family in Palo Alto who could afford to pay for a pre-med education thousands of miles away. I didn’t make friends as easily as Felicity. I didn’t have the opportunities Felicity had. I had my own cards I was dealt and had to play them for myself.

That’s the thing that I’m finding so interesting while reminiscing about this period of my life. I really was so depressed and lost that I was desperately seeking direction to belonging and found it in TV.

Today, I send so much love and compassion to that part of me that went through all of that. I don’t blame her for seeking help where she could - through the television screen. It’s what she needed to survive and I wouldn’t be here today without her.

P.S.

• This took me so long to write because I actually started rewatching Felicity (it's on Hulu) and got swept up in the comfort of it all. It’s been interesting to see what now me thinks of this show.
• Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that the Pink Ranger, Amy Jo Johnson, was also very fun on this show.
• My friends over on Shit 90s Shows Taught Me are covering Felicity and watching it for the first time. I was lucky enough to be invited on a recent episode. Give it a listen!
• I guess this blog is like my audio cassette to you. If you want to join in the conversation, I've opened up comments to people who are subscribed. I'd love to hear from you!
• If I was given the opportunity to relive college I still think that having that large dorm room would have solved all my problems. (Probably not, but you know.)